May
I can’t believe how quickly May and Mother’s Day comes around every year. May is a big month for our family. It was the month we got married, the month our beautiful Matilda was born, the month my father in law died and the month Edward was born, (plus many more special people’s precious anniversaries and birthdays).
Despite some wonderful things happening in May, I can’t get past the fact that it is Matilda’s birthday. It is the overriding factor in how I feel about May and Mother’s Day. I can’t enjoy the other things because May only means Matilda to me. I wish it could be different, I try to enjoy the other things but I can’t. I can only really think of Matilda.
Matilda was born still on a Saturday, the next day was Mother’s day and I spent it saying goodbye to my beautiful little girl. Despite the fact that seven years have gone by and I now have two delightful children, I can’t really enjoy or celebrate Mother’s day, it is still only about Matilda for me.
I don’t want to see all the hype in the shops and in the media about Mother’s Day. I don’t want to hear friends and work colleagues talking about Mother’s Day and what they are going to do. I don’t want people saying to me “Happy Mother’s Day”. I want to scream at them – “Don’t you remember what I was doing on my first Mother’s Day”, “Don’t you remember Matilda”. Instead I just give a crooked smile and walk away. It seems too hard to continually explain what it means to me. People don’t really understand and they never will.
I can’t work on the day and find it difficult being at work leading up to Mother’s Day. I want to hide away and shut it all out. I don’t even want to be home. My husband doesn’t know how to make it ok for me and I don’t even know what I truly want. I want acknowledgement and recognition of Matilda, of how much I love her and miss her. I only want to think of her and no one else.
I realise this sounds selfish. I know I should make the effort for my children, husband and even my own mother. But I can’t, everything else seems to pale into insignificance in comparison to Matilda’s birth and thoughts of her. I thought I would be able to change my focus as time went by, but no matter how hard I try I can’t.
May and Mother’s Day will always be Matilda to me. I love you Matilda.
In Memory – Matilda May Wilson. Born Still 10/5/98
With loving thoughts of all of our precious babies and all the mothers who miss them.
Andrea
May 2004 ©